Regret comes in all shapes and sizes. Some are small, like when we do a bad thing for a good reason. Some are bigger like when we let down a friend. Some of us escape the pains of regret by making the right choice. Some of us have little time for regret because were looking forward to the future. Sometimes we have to fight to come to terms with the past, and sometimes we bury our regret by promising to change our ways. But our biggest regrets are not for the things we did but for the things we didn't do, things we didn't say that could have saved someone we care about. Especially when we can see the dark storm that's headed their way.

I haven't gone to class in two days.

today i actually had an excuse.
dan came home to find me curled up on the floor in the hallway.
score. i actually cried cause i felt that awful.
jess and i were matching. so we crawled into her bed and took a nap.
okay, i think i'm going back to bed now.

miss my favorite friends.

"If you love something, let it go. If it comes back, then it's yours. If it doesn't, it never was"

feelings. ugh.

If it was possible to vomit emotions, I think I've accomplished it. My stomach has been all over the place for at least 2 weeks now. If I'm completely distracted I feel fine, but as soon as I get overwhelmed with emotions I have to throw up. and that's so not me. I think part of it is because certain people have been contacting me recently. Some of them I really don't want to hear from, and others I really do, but I have to ignore it.
I'm trying really hard to stay busy. Really hard. working more..getting up at 6 to go to work before class..coming home and immediately studying. It also really sucks that I'm barely dancing this year, and my dancing career is almost officially over. This is it. I might try to spend some time in the studio just by myself to work out some stress.
speaking of, i found the best way to relax. swings. I have now become the creepy lurker at the playground. and i love it. I could spend hours on the swings at the park, they just make me feel better. every time.

Mom and Dad are coming out tomorrow. Kind of excited.

whyyy

I have what every woman wants. I have someone who I love spending time with, who i love talking to, who i love texting randomly throughout the day. I could write an entire book about all the things i love about him, he is my best friend. And he loves me in a completely different way. he loves everything about me, good and bad. he thinks i'm beautiful on the inside and the out. he sees right through me. he calls me out on everything. he can read me better than most. I have what every woman wants, and I don't want it. what is wrong with me?

I always say how I'm a horrible girlfriend and I'm never getting married and yada yada yada...but none of those excuses apply here. Like I'm super comfortable around him..we can cuddle on the couch, I'll sleep next to him in his bed when i'm drunk of tired and it's totally comfortable. but the second he grabs me to try and kiss me i freak out. like i almost have to tell myself "calm down before you reflexively kick him in the balls"....it just feels, idk, wrong? like way too close?

how could i finally have everything i've said i've wanted....and not?

(972): like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
(214): I hope to god you are high

(847): I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
(224): RUN RUN RUN RUN

(650): Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)

(936): Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....

(314): My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.

(918): The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.

(225): Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
(1-225): Wtf?
(225): Use the slutty part of ur brain.

(858): You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.


...thanks to textsfromlastnight.com for taking over my life every day.

I want my life back.

saturday:
up at 6am.
worked till 1.
drank a bottle of champagne.
lost my sunglasses.
passed out on the couch.
passed out on the living room floor.
peed my bed.
passed out on the floor of my closet.
broke the living room coffee table.
threw up for two hours.
passed out on the floor of the bathroom.
got a bloody nose in the middle of the night.

most destructive day of my life.
normally, i would be so embarrassed and humiliated i would want to hide in bed and pretend like none of it ever happened.
the strange thing is, i don't even care.
just get me the hell out of this apartment and back home where things like this don't happen to me...

"I still find each day too short
For all the thoughts I want to think,
All the walks I want to take,
All the books I want to read,
And all the friends I want to see."
John Burroughs

I want to be somebody who can face all the things I've been running from..

"Unhappiness is best defined as the difference between our talents and our expectations."



I guess I should lower my expectations....

"It is not how much you do, but how much love you put in the doing."

getting through today

I found this in the book I was reading today at work...let me dream for a minute, and made the rest of the day a little easier. Just thought I would share it...

When I have a house...as I sometime may
I'll suit my fancy in every way.
I'll fill it with things that have caught my eye
in drifting from Europe to Molokai...

My house will stand on the side of a hill
by a slow, broad river, deep and still,
with a tall lone pine on guard nearby
where the birds can sing and the storm winds cry.


--In Search of Eden.

thoughts

So, I've been having some thoughts lately...for those people who know me well, they know that I don't like change. Especially not when it involves something really close to me, something I care about. Well recently, for me, I've felt that the dynamics of a lot of friendships are changing. I've had to confide in my friends at school in a way I never had to (and never really wanted to) before. My closest friends are the people who I really feel comfortable confiding in, they are the ones who I trust the most and who I feel safe with. I know that no matter what I say, they won't love me any less or look at me any differently. well, at least that's what I used to believe.
I'm starting to find that I don't think I can have it all. Great grades, a decent job, a comfortable relationship with my friends at school, and to be there for the best friends at home the way they expect me to. It's interesting that a lot of my posts on here are about things going on with friends, but I think it's because it's what affects me the most. When I'm having issues (or think I'm having issues) with friends, I can get myself into trouble if I don't get out of my head. Relationships are a two-way street..and I don't know if I'm not holding up my end of the bargain, or if other people are finding someone else to go to instead. Either way, I'm having a hard time trying not to blame myself for what has changed.
But how do I turn things back? It's not like I've got a ton of time on my hands, or the resources to be back and forth from PA..well not anymore. This was supposed to be my year....to really turn things around..and I'm not doing it right.

I miss the millpond. and gogo boots. and gps directions. and I miss the days when I never hesitated for a second to pick up my phone and call or text the people I love to tell them that. so they knew I was thinking about them..

memories

" I hoard all these letters like treasure. One day I hope to fasten them end to end in a half-mile streamer, to float in the wind like a banner raised to the glory of friendship.
It will keep the vultures at bay. "

- Jean-Dominique Bauby
The Diving Bell and the Butterfly.

a smile for today

bittersweet symphony

'Cause it's a bittersweet symphony, this life
Trying to make ends meet
You're a slave to money then you die
I'll take you down the only road I've ever been down
You know the one that takes you to the places
where all the veins meet yeah..

Life is very bittersweet right now. I'm making lots of money working on the weekends, but I'm losing out on the little time I have with my friends at home. I should be grateful that I have a job I'm pretty happy with this summer, but I'm very sad about things that will be missing. I've been feeling very selfish and guilty lately, and I'm finding it hard not to be.. I want to throw a temper tantrum like a 5 year old and get my way. I've gotten so used to having Em around every summer since I was like 12, that I'm acting like a small child instead of a supportive friend. I'm so frustrated with myself because I should be sensitive and helpful and not so concerned with how I'm going to deal with her and kris not being there. There are so many things I want to say to them, but every time I open my mouth it comes out so completely wrong. I am grateful that I got to see them tonight though, because every visit gives me a good fix until I get to see them next. And these days, I'm not letting go of people easily.

On another note, I'm just going to throw it up here because I've been hiding from it for so long....I might not be going back to school in the fall. I have no idea what the fuck I'm going to do after August 20th. I've got a solid 10 year plan starting at college graduation, but no idea how I'm going to even get there. I cannot live in the apartment in Bloom that I signed a lease for. No way. It was the most thoughtless decision I think I've ever made and if I could go back I would do so many things differently. Everyone keeps telling me to just get a different apartment -- the problem here is that those 5 girls I have plans to live with would probably not want to see me after I screwed them over and upped their rent. and all my older friends at bloom just graduated. all of them. OK, so I got into Montclair -- well just go there. Problem: the program I got accepted into would take more than the next 2 years to complete and is not what I want to do with my life long-term, so I'm not going to waste time and money for a degree I'm not going to use. and then I ended up here...about a foot away from throwing in the towel, and mom just agreed I could take a semester off. I never thought I would be here, the girl who was in GT (gifted&talented) since 2nd grade, the girl in honors and AP classes, the girl with more extracurriculars than she had time for, the girl who even made Dean's List in the same semester she could qualify for alcoholism. This girl...not going back to school? and I have to figure this out, at camp. terrific.
So that's my life right now, just about all of it. Well except that Chris and I are talking again (I know you are rolling your eyes right now) but I'm not making that mistake a 3rd time (OK 4th).
That's everything. Take it or leave it, judge it or don't, but love me anyway.

goodnight, e.

the short version of the last month(ish?)

OK, so I know it's been a long time since I've posted some actual information about my life....so let's see what I can remember..

Mexico was amazing...we had so much fun. The resort was unbelievable, so was the service. When we walked in, before we even reached the front desk, we were offered a cold wet towel, a glass of champagne, and then a chocolate chip cookie (yeah, idk haha) So we went to get lunch, and ended up drinking an entire bottle of champagne in the first hour we were there ( mom did a pretty good job haha ) so we just hung out all afternoon and checked out the resort and what activities we wanted to do. Here are some pictures of the resort:


^^the lighthouse in the backround sits on the point of cancun (where we were) and behind that big balls fountain is the pool where the dolphins live :) so anyone who lives on this side of the the pyramid building have a view of the dolphins right outside their balcony. So obviously, my lounge chair was next to the dolphins almost every day :)


^^So this is the view from my side of the resort..we had an ocean view room :) it was cool because the building was shaped kind of like a trapezoid(?) some shape like that haha.



this is the view from right outside our room.. if you can't tell, it was VERY windy :)

On Sunday, we went on the Jungle Tour (all those pictures are stuck on a CD :( and I can't get them on my computer just yet) but it was really fun because we took these 2-seater speedboats out (so it was just me and mom) and you had to pay a tax to out on the ocean (which was a little weird. they gave us wristbands so that if the mexican guard chased you, you could just show your wristband that you paid the tax.) So we drive out in the sea first, and then you enter this jungle-like thing that's about the water in the middle of the sea, and you drive through this to get to the ocean...then we sped out on the open ocean (which was SO CHOPPY) until we got to a reef where we went snorkeling!! and the drive back was lots of fun too. On Monday was when we swam with the dolphins, and those pictures are already up here. Tuesday we went PARASAILING!!!! but again, those pictures are stuck on that stupid cd. The really cool thing about that was they bring you really low and then dip you in the water! and then bring back up :) it's so much fun. One day I got dragged into a game of watervolleyball which ended up being really fun, except that the old man who had been sitting at the swim up bar for the past 5 hours decided he wanted to be on my team. cool.

OH!!! I totally almost forgot...one morning at the resort, we were walking out of breakfast and I instantly recognized what was going on in the pool. A Mexican LGT course. seriously. It was the weirdest thing I've ever seen. They way they carry people out of the pool is unreal. One guard grabs the victim under their arms, and the other guard grabs them under their knees, and they carry them like that! it was so crazy...but here is a picture of a removal using the backboard:


I'm running late for work, so I'll tell you all about the most recent stuff later :)
miss you all.

finally getting something up here

"Every once in a while it hits people that they don't have to expierence the world the way they've been told to." -Alan Keightley

not "just words"

kristen&em - I saw this and thought of you, I know you'll appreciate it...if you haven't seen this one yet, you've got to watch it.