I guess I should lower my expectations....
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
getting through today
I found this in the book I was reading today at work...let me dream for a minute, and made the rest of the day a little easier. Just thought I would share it...
When I have a house...as I sometime may
I'll suit my fancy in every way.
I'll fill it with things that have caught my eye
in drifting from Europe to Molokai...
My house will stand on the side of a hill
by a slow, broad river, deep and still,
with a tall lone pine on guard nearby
where the birds can sing and the storm winds cry.
--In Search of Eden.
When I have a house...as I sometime may
I'll suit my fancy in every way.
I'll fill it with things that have caught my eye
in drifting from Europe to Molokai...
My house will stand on the side of a hill
by a slow, broad river, deep and still,
with a tall lone pine on guard nearby
where the birds can sing and the storm winds cry.
--In Search of Eden.
Sunday, October 26, 2008
thoughts
So, I've been having some thoughts lately...for those people who know me well, they know that I don't like change. Especially not when it involves something really close to me, something I care about. Well recently, for me, I've felt that the dynamics of a lot of friendships are changing. I've had to confide in my friends at school in a way I never had to (and never really wanted to) before. My closest friends are the people who I really feel comfortable confiding in, they are the ones who I trust the most and who I feel safe with. I know that no matter what I say, they won't love me any less or look at me any differently. well, at least that's what I used to believe.
I'm starting to find that I don't think I can have it all. Great grades, a decent job, a comfortable relationship with my friends at school, and to be there for the best friends at home the way they expect me to. It's interesting that a lot of my posts on here are about things going on with friends, but I think it's because it's what affects me the most. When I'm having issues (or think I'm having issues) with friends, I can get myself into trouble if I don't get out of my head. Relationships are a two-way street..and I don't know if I'm not holding up my end of the bargain, or if other people are finding someone else to go to instead. Either way, I'm having a hard time trying not to blame myself for what has changed.
But how do I turn things back? It's not like I've got a ton of time on my hands, or the resources to be back and forth from PA..well not anymore. This was supposed to be my year....to really turn things around..and I'm not doing it right.
I miss the millpond. and gogo boots. and gps directions. and I miss the days when I never hesitated for a second to pick up my phone and call or text the people I love to tell them that. so they knew I was thinking about them..
I'm starting to find that I don't think I can have it all. Great grades, a decent job, a comfortable relationship with my friends at school, and to be there for the best friends at home the way they expect me to. It's interesting that a lot of my posts on here are about things going on with friends, but I think it's because it's what affects me the most. When I'm having issues (or think I'm having issues) with friends, I can get myself into trouble if I don't get out of my head. Relationships are a two-way street..and I don't know if I'm not holding up my end of the bargain, or if other people are finding someone else to go to instead. Either way, I'm having a hard time trying not to blame myself for what has changed.
But how do I turn things back? It's not like I've got a ton of time on my hands, or the resources to be back and forth from PA..well not anymore. This was supposed to be my year....to really turn things around..and I'm not doing it right.
I miss the millpond. and gogo boots. and gps directions. and I miss the days when I never hesitated for a second to pick up my phone and call or text the people I love to tell them that. so they knew I was thinking about them..
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
memories
" I hoard all these letters like treasure. One day I hope to fasten them end to end in a half-mile streamer, to float in the wind like a banner raised to the glory of friendship.
It will keep the vultures at bay. "
- Jean-Dominique Bauby
The Diving Bell and the Butterfly.
It will keep the vultures at bay. "
- Jean-Dominique Bauby
The Diving Bell and the Butterfly.
Monday, September 22, 2008
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
bittersweet symphony
'Cause it's a bittersweet symphony, this life
Trying to make ends meet
You're a slave to money then you die
I'll take you down the only road I've ever been down
You know the one that takes you to the places
where all the veins meet yeah..
Life is very bittersweet right now. I'm making lots of money working on the weekends, but I'm losing out on the little time I have with my friends at home. I should be grateful that I have a job I'm pretty happy with this summer, but I'm very sad about things that will be missing. I've been feeling very selfish and guilty lately, and I'm finding it hard not to be.. I want to throw a temper tantrum like a 5 year old and get my way. I've gotten so used to having Em around every summer since I was like 12, that I'm acting like a small child instead of a supportive friend. I'm so frustrated with myself because I should be sensitive and helpful and not so concerned with how I'm going to deal with her and kris not being there. There are so many things I want to say to them, but every time I open my mouth it comes out so completely wrong. I am grateful that I got to see them tonight though, because every visit gives me a good fix until I get to see them next. And these days, I'm not letting go of people easily.
On another note, I'm just going to throw it up here because I've been hiding from it for so long....I might not be going back to school in the fall. I have no idea what the fuck I'm going to do after August 20th. I've got a solid 10 year plan starting at college graduation, but no idea how I'm going to even get there. I cannot live in the apartment in Bloom that I signed a lease for. No way. It was the most thoughtless decision I think I've ever made and if I could go back I would do so many things differently. Everyone keeps telling me to just get a different apartment -- the problem here is that those 5 girls I have plans to live with would probably not want to see me after I screwed them over and upped their rent. and all my older friends at bloom just graduated. all of them. OK, so I got into Montclair -- well just go there. Problem: the program I got accepted into would take more than the next 2 years to complete and is not what I want to do with my life long-term, so I'm not going to waste time and money for a degree I'm not going to use. and then I ended up here...about a foot away from throwing in the towel, and mom just agreed I could take a semester off. I never thought I would be here, the girl who was in GT (gifted&talented) since 2nd grade, the girl in honors and AP classes, the girl with more extracurriculars than she had time for, the girl who even made Dean's List in the same semester she could qualify for alcoholism. This girl...not going back to school? and I have to figure this out, at camp. terrific.
So that's my life right now, just about all of it. Well except that Chris and I are talking again (I know you are rolling your eyes right now) but I'm not making that mistake a 3rd time (OK 4th).
That's everything. Take it or leave it, judge it or don't, but love me anyway.
goodnight, e.
Trying to make ends meet
You're a slave to money then you die
I'll take you down the only road I've ever been down
You know the one that takes you to the places
where all the veins meet yeah..
Life is very bittersweet right now. I'm making lots of money working on the weekends, but I'm losing out on the little time I have with my friends at home. I should be grateful that I have a job I'm pretty happy with this summer, but I'm very sad about things that will be missing. I've been feeling very selfish and guilty lately, and I'm finding it hard not to be.. I want to throw a temper tantrum like a 5 year old and get my way. I've gotten so used to having Em around every summer since I was like 12, that I'm acting like a small child instead of a supportive friend. I'm so frustrated with myself because I should be sensitive and helpful and not so concerned with how I'm going to deal with her and kris not being there. There are so many things I want to say to them, but every time I open my mouth it comes out so completely wrong. I am grateful that I got to see them tonight though, because every visit gives me a good fix until I get to see them next. And these days, I'm not letting go of people easily.
On another note, I'm just going to throw it up here because I've been hiding from it for so long....I might not be going back to school in the fall. I have no idea what the fuck I'm going to do after August 20th. I've got a solid 10 year plan starting at college graduation, but no idea how I'm going to even get there. I cannot live in the apartment in Bloom that I signed a lease for. No way. It was the most thoughtless decision I think I've ever made and if I could go back I would do so many things differently. Everyone keeps telling me to just get a different apartment -- the problem here is that those 5 girls I have plans to live with would probably not want to see me after I screwed them over and upped their rent. and all my older friends at bloom just graduated. all of them. OK, so I got into Montclair -- well just go there. Problem: the program I got accepted into would take more than the next 2 years to complete and is not what I want to do with my life long-term, so I'm not going to waste time and money for a degree I'm not going to use. and then I ended up here...about a foot away from throwing in the towel, and mom just agreed I could take a semester off. I never thought I would be here, the girl who was in GT (gifted&talented) since 2nd grade, the girl in honors and AP classes, the girl with more extracurriculars than she had time for, the girl who even made Dean's List in the same semester she could qualify for alcoholism. This girl...not going back to school? and I have to figure this out, at camp. terrific.
So that's my life right now, just about all of it. Well except that Chris and I are talking again (I know you are rolling your eyes right now) but I'm not making that mistake a 3rd time (OK 4th).
That's everything. Take it or leave it, judge it or don't, but love me anyway.
goodnight, e.
Tuesday, April 8, 2008
the short version of the last month(ish?)
OK, so I know it's been a long time since I've posted some actual information about my life....so let's see what I can remember..
Mexico was amazing...we had so much fun. The resort was unbelievable, so was the service. When we walked in, before we even reached the front desk, we were offered a cold wet towel, a glass of champagne, and then a chocolate chip cookie (yeah, idk haha) So we went to get lunch, and ended up drinking an entire bottle of champagne in the first hour we were there ( mom did a pretty good job haha ) so we just hung out all afternoon and checked out the resort and what activities we wanted to do. Here are some pictures of the resort:
^^the lighthouse in the backround sits on the point of cancun (where we were) and behind that big balls fountain is the pool where the dolphins live :) so anyone who lives on this side of the the pyramid building have a view of the dolphins right outside their balcony. So obviously, my lounge chair was next to the dolphins almost every day :)
^^So this is the view from my side of the resort..we had an ocean view room :) it was cool because the building was shaped kind of like a trapezoid(?) some shape like that haha.
this is the view from right outside our room.. if you can't tell, it was VERY windy :)
On Sunday, we went on the Jungle Tour (all those pictures are stuck on a CD :( and I can't get them on my computer just yet) but it was really fun because we took these 2-seater speedboats out (so it was just me and mom) and you had to pay a tax to out on the ocean (which was a little weird. they gave us wristbands so that if the mexican guard chased you, you could just show your wristband that you paid the tax.) So we drive out in the sea first, and then you enter this jungle-like thing that's about the water in the middle of the sea, and you drive through this to get to the ocean...then we sped out on the open ocean (which was SO CHOPPY) until we got to a reef where we went snorkeling!! and the drive back was lots of fun too. On Monday was when we swam with the dolphins, and those pictures are already up here. Tuesday we went PARASAILING!!!! but again, those pictures are stuck on that stupid cd. The really cool thing about that was they bring you really low and then dip you in the water! and then bring back up :) it's so much fun. One day I got dragged into a game of watervolleyball which ended up being really fun, except that the old man who had been sitting at the swim up bar for the past 5 hours decided he wanted to be on my team. cool.
OH!!! I totally almost forgot...one morning at the resort, we were walking out of breakfast and I instantly recognized what was going on in the pool. A Mexican LGT course. seriously. It was the weirdest thing I've ever seen. They way they carry people out of the pool is unreal. One guard grabs the victim under their arms, and the other guard grabs them under their knees, and they carry them like that! it was so crazy...but here is a picture of a removal using the backboard:
I'm running late for work, so I'll tell you all about the most recent stuff later :)
miss you all.
Mexico was amazing...we had so much fun. The resort was unbelievable, so was the service. When we walked in, before we even reached the front desk, we were offered a cold wet towel, a glass of champagne, and then a chocolate chip cookie (yeah, idk haha) So we went to get lunch, and ended up drinking an entire bottle of champagne in the first hour we were there ( mom did a pretty good job haha ) so we just hung out all afternoon and checked out the resort and what activities we wanted to do. Here are some pictures of the resort:
^^the lighthouse in the backround sits on the point of cancun (where we were) and behind that big balls fountain is the pool where the dolphins live :) so anyone who lives on this side of the the pyramid building have a view of the dolphins right outside their balcony. So obviously, my lounge chair was next to the dolphins almost every day :)
^^So this is the view from my side of the resort..we had an ocean view room :) it was cool because the building was shaped kind of like a trapezoid(?) some shape like that haha.
this is the view from right outside our room.. if you can't tell, it was VERY windy :)
On Sunday, we went on the Jungle Tour (all those pictures are stuck on a CD :( and I can't get them on my computer just yet) but it was really fun because we took these 2-seater speedboats out (so it was just me and mom) and you had to pay a tax to out on the ocean (which was a little weird. they gave us wristbands so that if the mexican guard chased you, you could just show your wristband that you paid the tax.) So we drive out in the sea first, and then you enter this jungle-like thing that's about the water in the middle of the sea, and you drive through this to get to the ocean...then we sped out on the open ocean (which was SO CHOPPY) until we got to a reef where we went snorkeling!! and the drive back was lots of fun too. On Monday was when we swam with the dolphins, and those pictures are already up here. Tuesday we went PARASAILING!!!! but again, those pictures are stuck on that stupid cd. The really cool thing about that was they bring you really low and then dip you in the water! and then bring back up :) it's so much fun. One day I got dragged into a game of watervolleyball which ended up being really fun, except that the old man who had been sitting at the swim up bar for the past 5 hours decided he wanted to be on my team. cool.
OH!!! I totally almost forgot...one morning at the resort, we were walking out of breakfast and I instantly recognized what was going on in the pool. A Mexican LGT course. seriously. It was the weirdest thing I've ever seen. They way they carry people out of the pool is unreal. One guard grabs the victim under their arms, and the other guard grabs them under their knees, and they carry them like that! it was so crazy...but here is a picture of a removal using the backboard:
I'm running late for work, so I'll tell you all about the most recent stuff later :)
miss you all.
Saturday, April 5, 2008
Friday, March 7, 2008
Friday, February 29, 2008
not "just words"
kristen&em - I saw this and thought of you, I know you'll appreciate it...if you haven't seen this one yet, you've got to watch it.
Tuesday, February 26, 2008
Monday, February 25, 2008
permanently quoted
cryfreedom03: its not rocket science, its a mac - it has to be easy cause its named after me... cryfreedom03: wait fuck
best line of the night.
best line of the night.
Thursday, February 21, 2008
Wednesday, February 20, 2008
randomss
So take a good look at my face
You'll see my smile looks out of place
If you look closer it's easy to trace...
Things have been kinda crazy lately. I got really sick when Mary was here two weeks ago. I got bronchitis and when I went to the Health Center on Thursday they sent me to the hospital for a chest X-ray. So I asked my friends if they could drive me (since my car is at SU) and Di had class, Megan had work but told me I could borrow hers, and Jess's excuse was that she was going to the gym. Now I've taken Meg to the hospital twice, I took Becky, I took Mary, and I took Jess at 8am hungover on a Saturday, but she couldn't go with me because she was going to the GYM. What a fucking selfish bitch. I was so upset with her. anyway...I went by myself (on Valentines Day) then got my prescriptions filled at cvs, and then had to go to work. It was a longg day. When I got back I watched all my friends get dressed up for their Vday plans, while I made a cup of tea and some toast and settled in for the night. It was a longg week.
This week...my past is coming back to haunt me. I think it's something in the water. Chris texted me on Monday, and Nate texted me yesterday. Very random, and caught me very off guard.
anyway...today I got my stat test back (95) and it was the highest grade in the class :) so while I was walking out of class, the girl in front of me was telling her friend that only one person did better than her so she was calling her mom to brag.....so of course since that person who did better than her was me, I called my dad and told him that story. and he laughed at my retarded competitiveness. haaha.
ok, lots of studying to do. HUGE exam on friday. hope everyone has a good week.
loves and miss.
You'll see my smile looks out of place
If you look closer it's easy to trace...
Things have been kinda crazy lately. I got really sick when Mary was here two weeks ago. I got bronchitis and when I went to the Health Center on Thursday they sent me to the hospital for a chest X-ray. So I asked my friends if they could drive me (since my car is at SU) and Di had class, Megan had work but told me I could borrow hers, and Jess's excuse was that she was going to the gym. Now I've taken Meg to the hospital twice, I took Becky, I took Mary, and I took Jess at 8am hungover on a Saturday, but she couldn't go with me because she was going to the GYM. What a fucking selfish bitch. I was so upset with her. anyway...I went by myself (on Valentines Day) then got my prescriptions filled at cvs, and then had to go to work. It was a longg day. When I got back I watched all my friends get dressed up for their Vday plans, while I made a cup of tea and some toast and settled in for the night. It was a longg week.
This week...my past is coming back to haunt me. I think it's something in the water. Chris texted me on Monday, and Nate texted me yesterday. Very random, and caught me very off guard.
anyway...today I got my stat test back (95) and it was the highest grade in the class :) so while I was walking out of class, the girl in front of me was telling her friend that only one person did better than her so she was calling her mom to brag.....so of course since that person who did better than her was me, I called my dad and told him that story. and he laughed at my retarded competitiveness. haaha.
ok, lots of studying to do. HUGE exam on friday. hope everyone has a good week.
loves and miss.
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
my best.
They're my best. They're my help when I can't walk. My please hit this last cup. My hurry I have to pee now. My let's go the ex is here. My sleepover buddies. My jump in bed the next morning for details. They piece together my nights. My spies. My late-night girls. My stay out a little longer just to drink a little more. The ones who were there through the boys, the drama, the tears, and the laughs. The girls who are there through it all.
...and recently, they haven't been living up to it.
I love my school girls, but sometimes they get so caught up in themselves that they just aren't there they way I need them to be. I mean yeah, I'm all about going out and having fun, but some days I just need a hug...and I can't find them.
...and recently, they haven't been living up to it.
I love my school girls, but sometimes they get so caught up in themselves that they just aren't there they way I need them to be. I mean yeah, I'm all about going out and having fun, but some days I just need a hug...and I can't find them.
Sunday, January 27, 2008
Friday, January 25, 2008
a drinking day
between Wil ending things, Mark telling me I couldn't visit (basically because he would get his balls cut off), and Sara telling me she was done with me (done with caring and trying as a friend)...today has become a drinking day. I feel like complete shit, but liquor is helping me cry it off, and numb some of the stupid pain I shouldn't pay attention to.
In honor of today, A Drinking Day...if something has got you down, have a drink...and vow to wake up tomorrow with a more positive outlook on your day ahead, and life. You have one evening to drink it off, and that's it. But you are a more level-headed person...DON'T follow in my footsteps..
love you all,
E.
In honor of today, A Drinking Day...if something has got you down, have a drink...and vow to wake up tomorrow with a more positive outlook on your day ahead, and life. You have one evening to drink it off, and that's it. But you are a more level-headed person...DON'T follow in my footsteps..
love you all,
E.
Your face it dances and it haunts me
Your laughter's still ringing in my ears
I still find pieces of your presence here
Even after all these years
But I don't want you thinking I don't get asked to dinner
'Cause I'm here to say that I sometimes do
Even though I may soon feel the touch of love
I just don't think I'll ever get over you...
I've been having the most unrealistic dreams recently...and when I wake up and realize they can't come true...let's just say, it's not a good way to start the day.
and I'm not handling it well..I don't want to sleep because my dreams make me happier than real life right now. and it's so pathetic. I'm so pathetic.
Your laughter's still ringing in my ears
I still find pieces of your presence here
Even after all these years
But I don't want you thinking I don't get asked to dinner
'Cause I'm here to say that I sometimes do
Even though I may soon feel the touch of love
I just don't think I'll ever get over you...
I've been having the most unrealistic dreams recently...and when I wake up and realize they can't come true...let's just say, it's not a good way to start the day.
and I'm not handling it well..I don't want to sleep because my dreams make me happier than real life right now. and it's so pathetic. I'm so pathetic.
Wednesday, January 23, 2008
I HATE when people accuse me of "not talking to them" or whatever for long periods of time when they didn't make any effort to talk to me. A friendship is a two way street! It is not one person's responsibility to keep a friendship together. What bothers me is when I am held 100% accountable. I have many friends with whom I am not consistently in contact with, but we both understand that we have busy lives. It doesn't mean I don't think about them, or don't care about them, but distant relationships are hard. But for some people, having a busy life is not justifiable for not upholding a relationship...on my end.
I feel like I appologize to some people more than we spend time together, and it really hurts my feelings. I get frustrated when friends from high school put up away messages that tell me how they are feeling, instead of just calling.....a month later. and then I get blamed for the past month. It is so hard to hear, every time. I try SO hard to be a good friend...I always have. I've hoped that it's something that people will remember. but I can't count the times I've been told how horrible a friend/person I am..and it pulls on my heart every time.
I needed to just get this out there, because it's something that I don't talk about too much. But I'm done for now, it's been a long day.
I feel like I appologize to some people more than we spend time together, and it really hurts my feelings. I get frustrated when friends from high school put up away messages that tell me how they are feeling, instead of just calling.....a month later. and then I get blamed for the past month. It is so hard to hear, every time. I try SO hard to be a good friend...I always have. I've hoped that it's something that people will remember. but I can't count the times I've been told how horrible a friend/person I am..and it pulls on my heart every time.
I needed to just get this out there, because it's something that I don't talk about too much. But I'm done for now, it's been a long day.
Tuesday, January 8, 2008
unbelievable.
I am completely shocked & frustrated. How is it that the nicest guy (first described to me as "a catch and a half") is turning out to be the complete opposite? How is this happening and where has my guard been? I don't know whether to be upset with myself for letting my guard down, or upset at him for being a jerk.
But I get to see my CODE 521 ladies tomorrow, so that will hopefully pick me up a bit.
But I get to see my CODE 521 ladies tomorrow, so that will hopefully pick me up a bit.
Thursday, January 3, 2008
Tuesday, January 1, 2008
love is like a magic penny
I bought a lottery ticket today...one of the scratch-off ones. I felt so pathetic, but I figured it was worth a shot. I didn't win anything, obviously...but it's probably better because I would have been too embarassed to go get my money anyway haha.
I really need to figure out what I'm going to do about working, and this summer, and all that other financial stuff. It gets really frustrating sometimes, which is why I try to avoid it...but I need to just do it and make a plan before I get stuck in real money problems. I'm hoping to get some guard hours when I get back to school, and I really want to co-instruct the credited LGT course the Bloom offers. But we'll see...if I can swing it, I'll take a desk job as well.
Anyways, I hope everyone had a fabulous New Years with their friends and family :) and I want to hear your Resolutions :P
p.s. My mom just told me that the reason I'm "in a slump" and I "don't have many plans" is because I don't have a boyfriend. thanks, mom. love the encouragement.
love elaina <3
I really need to figure out what I'm going to do about working, and this summer, and all that other financial stuff. It gets really frustrating sometimes, which is why I try to avoid it...but I need to just do it and make a plan before I get stuck in real money problems. I'm hoping to get some guard hours when I get back to school, and I really want to co-instruct the credited LGT course the Bloom offers. But we'll see...if I can swing it, I'll take a desk job as well.
Anyways, I hope everyone had a fabulous New Years with their friends and family :) and I want to hear your Resolutions :P
p.s. My mom just told me that the reason I'm "in a slump" and I "don't have many plans" is because I don't have a boyfriend. thanks, mom. love the encouragement.
love elaina <3
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