So, I've been having some thoughts lately...for those people who know me well, they know that I don't like change. Especially not when it involves something really close to me, something I care about. Well recently, for me, I've felt that the dynamics of a lot of friendships are changing. I've had to confide in my friends at school in a way I never had to (and never really wanted to) before. My closest friends are the people who I really feel comfortable confiding in, they are the ones who I trust the most and who I feel safe with. I know that no matter what I say, they won't love me any less or look at me any differently. well, at least that's what I used to believe.
I'm starting to find that I don't think I can have it all. Great grades, a decent job, a comfortable relationship with my friends at school, and to be there for the best friends at home the way they expect me to. It's interesting that a lot of my posts on here are about things going on with friends, but I think it's because it's what affects me the most. When I'm having issues (or think I'm having issues) with friends, I can get myself into trouble if I don't get out of my head. Relationships are a two-way street..and I don't know if I'm not holding up my end of the bargain, or if other people are finding someone else to go to instead. Either way, I'm having a hard time trying not to blame myself for what has changed.
But how do I turn things back? It's not like I've got a ton of time on my hands, or the resources to be back and forth from PA..well not anymore. This was supposed to be my year....to really turn things around..and I'm not doing it right.
I miss the millpond. and gogo boots. and gps directions. and I miss the days when I never hesitated for a second to pick up my phone and call or text the people I love to tell them that. so they knew I was thinking about them..
1 comment:
I struggle a lot with wondering how good of a friend I could possibly be when I look at the amount of friends I really have and find that I can count them on less than two hands. It has taken me time to realize that a lot of the people I thought I could rely on no matter what, like high school friends, have moved on to different chapters in their lives and I'm just not a charector in their story anymore.
But I have also found that I have friends, that no matter how long we don't talk or how far away we are, that I can call upon for their ultimate best friend duties or just because I know that they will make me smile.
I know that for me, I have a lot going on without even being in school, so much that it is hard for me to send even a simple text message some days-I can't even imagine having as little time to do something as important as sleeping like you do.
I guess I just want you to know that I for one do not blame you or love you any less or think of you as any less of a friend, I know that even though we may not spend hours talking on the phone anymore that you are still my best friend forever and ever; and that most importantly I love you and will never think less of you.
<3
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