'Cause it's a bittersweet symphony, this life
Trying to make ends meet
You're a slave to money then you die
I'll take you down the only road I've ever been down
You know the one that takes you to the places
where all the veins meet yeah..
Life is very bittersweet right now. I'm making lots of money working on the weekends, but I'm losing out on the little time I have with my friends at home. I should be grateful that I have a job I'm pretty happy with this summer, but I'm very sad about things that will be missing. I've been feeling very selfish and guilty lately, and I'm finding it hard not to be.. I want to throw a temper tantrum like a 5 year old and get my way. I've gotten so used to having Em around every summer since I was like 12, that I'm acting like a small child instead of a supportive friend. I'm so frustrated with myself because I should be sensitive and helpful and not so concerned with how I'm going to deal with her and kris not being there. There are so many things I want to say to them, but every time I open my mouth it comes out so completely wrong. I am grateful that I got to see them tonight though, because every visit gives me a good fix until I get to see them next. And these days, I'm not letting go of people easily.
On another note, I'm just going to throw it up here because I've been hiding from it for so long....I might not be going back to school in the fall. I have no idea what the fuck I'm going to do after August 20th. I've got a solid 10 year plan starting at college graduation, but no idea how I'm going to even get there. I cannot live in the apartment in Bloom that I signed a lease for. No way. It was the most thoughtless decision I think I've ever made and if I could go back I would do so many things differently. Everyone keeps telling me to just get a different apartment -- the problem here is that those 5 girls I have plans to live with would probably not want to see me after I screwed them over and upped their rent. and all my older friends at bloom just graduated. all of them. OK, so I got into Montclair -- well just go there. Problem: the program I got accepted into would take more than the next 2 years to complete and is not what I want to do with my life long-term, so I'm not going to waste time and money for a degree I'm not going to use. and then I ended up here...about a foot away from throwing in the towel, and mom just agreed I could take a semester off. I never thought I would be here, the girl who was in GT (gifted&talented) since 2nd grade, the girl in honors and AP classes, the girl with more extracurriculars than she had time for, the girl who even made Dean's List in the same semester she could qualify for alcoholism. This girl...not going back to school? and I have to figure this out, at camp. terrific.
So that's my life right now, just about all of it. Well except that Chris and I are talking again (I know you are rolling your eyes right now) but I'm not making that mistake a 3rd time (OK 4th).
That's everything. Take it or leave it, judge it or don't, but love me anyway.
goodnight, e.
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4 comments:
i'll always love you..
[even if i have to kill chris one of these days] kiddddding.
everything works out the way it does for a reason..everything with school will fall into place..you can always come to virginia with me. haha =) make decisions for you though, not because everyone else wants them, or because you are trying to keep people happy..
i'll be your friend no matter what you do..or where we live.
ps, i need you in my life. 13 days lover.
i'll always love you anyway :) it was so good to see you last night, even if it was the most depressing 5 hours ever..
and just because you made the dean's list and were in GT classes and were a great student doesn't mean that taking a year off reflects badly on you. everyone has to make choices for what is best for THEM. if this is going to help you in the long run, then how can it be bad? anyone that can't see that is just stupid.
i'll see you soon. i keep saying that because i want to believe it ..
"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those that matter don't mind, and those that mind don't matter."
My friend Viv is by far the smartest of all my friends, and she ended up needing to take a semester off to just figure out what she wanted to do. She wanted to make sure that she was in the right major and school before she wasted any more money, so if you need to take a break, it wouldnt be the end of the world. She's in a PhD program now and is being paid to go to school, so I don't think they mind if you take a year off ;-)
i just thought you should know i love you. ok thanks all.
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