(972): like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
(214): I hope to god you are high

(847): I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
(224): RUN RUN RUN RUN

(650): Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)

(936): Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....

(314): My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.

(918): The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.

(225): Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
(1-225): Wtf?
(225): Use the slutty part of ur brain.

(858): You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.


...thanks to textsfromlastnight.com for taking over my life every day.