"If you love something, let it go. If it comes back, then it's yours. If it doesn't, it never was"

feelings. ugh.

If it was possible to vomit emotions, I think I've accomplished it. My stomach has been all over the place for at least 2 weeks now. If I'm completely distracted I feel fine, but as soon as I get overwhelmed with emotions I have to throw up. and that's so not me. I think part of it is because certain people have been contacting me recently. Some of them I really don't want to hear from, and others I really do, but I have to ignore it.
I'm trying really hard to stay busy. Really hard. working more..getting up at 6 to go to work before class..coming home and immediately studying. It also really sucks that I'm barely dancing this year, and my dancing career is almost officially over. This is it. I might try to spend some time in the studio just by myself to work out some stress.
speaking of, i found the best way to relax. swings. I have now become the creepy lurker at the playground. and i love it. I could spend hours on the swings at the park, they just make me feel better. every time.

Mom and Dad are coming out tomorrow. Kind of excited.

whyyy

I have what every woman wants. I have someone who I love spending time with, who i love talking to, who i love texting randomly throughout the day. I could write an entire book about all the things i love about him, he is my best friend. And he loves me in a completely different way. he loves everything about me, good and bad. he thinks i'm beautiful on the inside and the out. he sees right through me. he calls me out on everything. he can read me better than most. I have what every woman wants, and I don't want it. what is wrong with me?

I always say how I'm a horrible girlfriend and I'm never getting married and yada yada yada...but none of those excuses apply here. Like I'm super comfortable around him..we can cuddle on the couch, I'll sleep next to him in his bed when i'm drunk of tired and it's totally comfortable. but the second he grabs me to try and kiss me i freak out. like i almost have to tell myself "calm down before you reflexively kick him in the balls"....it just feels, idk, wrong? like way too close?

how could i finally have everything i've said i've wanted....and not?

(972): like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
(214): I hope to god you are high

(847): I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
(224): RUN RUN RUN RUN

(650): Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)

(936): Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....

(314): My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.

(918): The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.

(225): Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
(1-225): Wtf?
(225): Use the slutty part of ur brain.

(858): You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.


...thanks to textsfromlastnight.com for taking over my life every day.

I want my life back.

saturday:
up at 6am.
worked till 1.
drank a bottle of champagne.
lost my sunglasses.
passed out on the couch.
passed out on the living room floor.
peed my bed.
passed out on the floor of my closet.
broke the living room coffee table.
threw up for two hours.
passed out on the floor of the bathroom.
got a bloody nose in the middle of the night.

most destructive day of my life.
normally, i would be so embarrassed and humiliated i would want to hide in bed and pretend like none of it ever happened.
the strange thing is, i don't even care.
just get me the hell out of this apartment and back home where things like this don't happen to me...

"I still find each day too short
For all the thoughts I want to think,
All the walks I want to take,
All the books I want to read,
And all the friends I want to see."
John Burroughs

I want to be somebody who can face all the things I've been running from..