"Unhappiness is best defined as the difference between our talents and our expectations."



I guess I should lower my expectations....

"It is not how much you do, but how much love you put in the doing."

getting through today

I found this in the book I was reading today at work...let me dream for a minute, and made the rest of the day a little easier. Just thought I would share it...

When I have a house...as I sometime may
I'll suit my fancy in every way.
I'll fill it with things that have caught my eye
in drifting from Europe to Molokai...

My house will stand on the side of a hill
by a slow, broad river, deep and still,
with a tall lone pine on guard nearby
where the birds can sing and the storm winds cry.


--In Search of Eden.

thoughts

So, I've been having some thoughts lately...for those people who know me well, they know that I don't like change. Especially not when it involves something really close to me, something I care about. Well recently, for me, I've felt that the dynamics of a lot of friendships are changing. I've had to confide in my friends at school in a way I never had to (and never really wanted to) before. My closest friends are the people who I really feel comfortable confiding in, they are the ones who I trust the most and who I feel safe with. I know that no matter what I say, they won't love me any less or look at me any differently. well, at least that's what I used to believe.
I'm starting to find that I don't think I can have it all. Great grades, a decent job, a comfortable relationship with my friends at school, and to be there for the best friends at home the way they expect me to. It's interesting that a lot of my posts on here are about things going on with friends, but I think it's because it's what affects me the most. When I'm having issues (or think I'm having issues) with friends, I can get myself into trouble if I don't get out of my head. Relationships are a two-way street..and I don't know if I'm not holding up my end of the bargain, or if other people are finding someone else to go to instead. Either way, I'm having a hard time trying not to blame myself for what has changed.
But how do I turn things back? It's not like I've got a ton of time on my hands, or the resources to be back and forth from PA..well not anymore. This was supposed to be my year....to really turn things around..and I'm not doing it right.

I miss the millpond. and gogo boots. and gps directions. and I miss the days when I never hesitated for a second to pick up my phone and call or text the people I love to tell them that. so they knew I was thinking about them..

memories

" I hoard all these letters like treasure. One day I hope to fasten them end to end in a half-mile streamer, to float in the wind like a banner raised to the glory of friendship.
It will keep the vultures at bay. "

- Jean-Dominique Bauby
The Diving Bell and the Butterfly.

a smile for today

bittersweet symphony

'Cause it's a bittersweet symphony, this life
Trying to make ends meet
You're a slave to money then you die
I'll take you down the only road I've ever been down
You know the one that takes you to the places
where all the veins meet yeah..

Life is very bittersweet right now. I'm making lots of money working on the weekends, but I'm losing out on the little time I have with my friends at home. I should be grateful that I have a job I'm pretty happy with this summer, but I'm very sad about things that will be missing. I've been feeling very selfish and guilty lately, and I'm finding it hard not to be.. I want to throw a temper tantrum like a 5 year old and get my way. I've gotten so used to having Em around every summer since I was like 12, that I'm acting like a small child instead of a supportive friend. I'm so frustrated with myself because I should be sensitive and helpful and not so concerned with how I'm going to deal with her and kris not being there. There are so many things I want to say to them, but every time I open my mouth it comes out so completely wrong. I am grateful that I got to see them tonight though, because every visit gives me a good fix until I get to see them next. And these days, I'm not letting go of people easily.

On another note, I'm just going to throw it up here because I've been hiding from it for so long....I might not be going back to school in the fall. I have no idea what the fuck I'm going to do after August 20th. I've got a solid 10 year plan starting at college graduation, but no idea how I'm going to even get there. I cannot live in the apartment in Bloom that I signed a lease for. No way. It was the most thoughtless decision I think I've ever made and if I could go back I would do so many things differently. Everyone keeps telling me to just get a different apartment -- the problem here is that those 5 girls I have plans to live with would probably not want to see me after I screwed them over and upped their rent. and all my older friends at bloom just graduated. all of them. OK, so I got into Montclair -- well just go there. Problem: the program I got accepted into would take more than the next 2 years to complete and is not what I want to do with my life long-term, so I'm not going to waste time and money for a degree I'm not going to use. and then I ended up here...about a foot away from throwing in the towel, and mom just agreed I could take a semester off. I never thought I would be here, the girl who was in GT (gifted&talented) since 2nd grade, the girl in honors and AP classes, the girl with more extracurriculars than she had time for, the girl who even made Dean's List in the same semester she could qualify for alcoholism. This girl...not going back to school? and I have to figure this out, at camp. terrific.
So that's my life right now, just about all of it. Well except that Chris and I are talking again (I know you are rolling your eyes right now) but I'm not making that mistake a 3rd time (OK 4th).
That's everything. Take it or leave it, judge it or don't, but love me anyway.

goodnight, e.